Many years ago I was reading Louise Hay for the first time. In her book she said: “just take a mirror and tell yourself ‘I love you’.” Then she mentioned that she asked one of her clients to do it, and after trying he threw the mirror at her. I thought it was funny, so I tried to do it as well. I couldn’t. This simple exercise happened to be quite a challenge. It took me a number of attempts before I could do it.
The other day I was reading Dr. Jordan Peterson’s “12 Rules for Life”. In chapter 2 he talks about how we treat ourselves. We negotiate with other people when we want them to do something for us and only demand of, make orders to, ourselves, and beat ourselves up when we don’t deliver. If we were to do the same to someone else on a regular basis, they would leave us. But I guess with ourselves we don’t have anywhere to go – we are stuck and can’t escape. So we can say anything to ourselves and get away with it.
Well, is this really the case?
Do you know what happens when you have a tyrannical, non-appreciative and rude boss you cannot argue with or leave? You quietly sabotage him!
And this is exactly what we do to ourselves. We are constantly sabotaging. Every time, when you promise yourself to do something and don’t do it, that is exactly what it is – a sabotage.
So, let’s look closer at this internal conversation (and tell me if it doesn’t sound at least vaguely familiar):
- We agreed, that you are not going to touch this box of chocolate. And you’ve done it again! No will power! How can you manage other people if you can’t manage yourself!
- Fat cow (well, maybe not cow, but definitely not a gracious deer)! Your clothes will not fit and you will need to go one size up again. And you will hate looking in the mirror, because nothing will look good on you! You might as well wear a garbage bag. Your boyfriend will leave you. He already looks disinterested while you get undressed!
- Why can you never find the right phrase to answer when someone puts you down? You are just not smart enough to present a counterargument during the conversation. So, you deserve to be treated like that!
- And this is ALL YOUR FAULT!
I wonder if any of us can say that to someone else? Especially to someone you love and care for? Your teenage daughter or your best friend?
Alina and I decided to try a little experiment. We read the phrases above to each other. The good news is we are still talking to each other.
You may say – I never talk to myself like that. If this is the case, you are a lucky exception and your whole life is sorted out. And we would love to hear more from you to learn about your techniques (this is not a sarcastic comment – I’m quite serious). Most likely, there is a chance that you don’t even notice that you do it, like most of us!
What Dr. Peterson suggested in his book is to negotiate with yourself. It would go like this:
- I would like you to do something for me. Could you please sort out all the non-work related financial emails for me. If not all, how many would you do? Maybe three or four? And what would you like me to do for you in return? Would you like us to finally watch that chick flick?
I am going to try it and see if it makes any difference.
Will report back in a few months.
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